You’ve probably noticed I haven’t posted in awhile. I went back to work full time and I’ve been super busy. I’ll update soon on how we’ve been. Let me just say things have continued to improve.
This is what I’ve been up to this evening. Just sorted out 240 oz of milk to donate. I am so glad to be able to bless another mama and baby even with everything we have gone through.And I finally finished sorting out the rest of my milk to get a total count, 675 oz total for the first four months! Here are some more bags ready to be donated soon.
It is high time for an update. I’m sure you can gather from my last post that things haven’t been going so smooth lately. I basically spent World Breastfeeding Week struggling and in pain.
Little man’s latch had been awesome immediately following the lip tie revision and for several days after. Some time during the middle of last week things started taking a turn for the worst. He started by clenching his upper lip when I would try to do his stretching exercises. Then he started doing it while nursing. I could not flip his lip out. Then the clamping came back. And his whole mouth and jaw became very tight. Awful pain again. I’m back to sandwiching my breast and pulling on his chin.
During all of this we had two chiropractor visits and one craniosacral therapy. The chiropractor adjusted his neck which was tight. This gave mild relief for a few hours then back to pain and tightness. The craniosacral therapy made no noticeable difference. I’m back to that feeling of, I’m doing everything right and it’s still not working. Why isn’t it working?
My poor little man. I can feel him closing up, pulling himself inward. I know it is because I am doing the same while we nurse. The pain has me clenching my own jaw while he sucks. The struggle brings tears to my eyes again. He sees this. He knows this and it effects him. He is still overall a happy person, he always has been. But we are missing out on those joyful, fun, relaxing, loving, bonding moments we should be having. Instead they are replaced by that old familiar pain and struggle.
I want to give up yet I want to scream that it isn’t over. We’ve come too far. I’m not stopping now. More research, more questions. New answers. Yesterday we went back to craniosacral therapy. This time we add on massage. Afterwards he is more loose than I have ever seen him. His shoulders are down from his ears and his face is so relaxed. He finally latches again without the clamping. Relief. He starts to tighten up again ever so slightly by the end of the day and I give him a light face and shoulder massage while he nurses and he relaxes again.
It is flat out amazing and horrific all the pain and suffering a tongue tie and lip tie can cause. So many things connect to the mouth. I’m finally coming to the realization that this will be a longer trial than I thought even with the revisions. I’m finally understanding what the relearning process really means not just for him but for both of us. And most importantly I know that we can do it and that all of this is for him, to give him my best.
I’m desperately trying to climb out of this awful pit with my son on my back. I’m doing it for him. It’d be so much easier to wander down here in the dark if it was just my pain. But we bear it together. And I see that light up there and I want it. Not for me, for him. He deserves it. He deserves the world and everything good in it. So I keep climbing. It is not easy. It is painful. It is humbling. I make it up a few feet only to fall back down, dangling a few inches from the bottom. There are times when I wonder if it is worth it. Then I look at him. I look at him. Why am I even questioning? And I climb on. It is so worth it. I would do anything for him. Anything. I search for answers. I find something that should help. I seek it out. I fight for it. I come up empty handed. I feel defeated. I cry. I sob. It shouldn’t be this hard. I wallow in the sadness for just a moment, just long enough to feel it fully. Then I write. I pour out the sadness. I release it out far away from me. It is not me. I am strong even in my weakness. I will make it higher. Higher. Higher. I will climb on. I will feel the pain. But those big beautiful eyes that stare deep into my soul tell me it is worth it. They thank me with every step I take. They do not have words but they grab ahold of me and beg me not to stop. So I climb on.
The Big Latch On was yesterday. The total count of women breastfeeding simultaneously at latch on events worldwide was 14,536. This blows their previous record of 8,862 out of the water!
Here we are at our local event.
There were even plenty of siblings and dads there in support!
This is my favorite shot from the event.
It was so nice to see so many moms and breastfeeding supporters in one place and meeting moms I had only previously talked to on Facebook. We even made the local news. So fun! I’m already looking forward to next year.
Happy World Breastfeeding Week!
Photo by Rouse Photography
This year’s emphasis is on breastfeeding support. Support is so important. There have been so many who have supported us along the way. It saddens me that support is unavailable or hard to find all around the world. Hopefully my blog and my story can help women. Please leave comments or contact me on the Facebook page if there is any way I can help you. That’s what I write for!
Don’t forget the Big Latch On this weekend!